Where do babies come from?
by drawingdisaster
Summary: A comedic one shot about WBY and JNPR attempting to answer Ruby's question and shed light in one of life's greatest mysteries. "Where do babies come from?"


The atmosphere in the cafeteria of Beacon Academy was lively. The room was filled with aspiring huntresses and huntsmen enjoying their breakfast. The aromas of fried eggs, bacon and pancakes hung in the air, glasses of orange juice and cups of coffee clinked on the tables.

The students were devouring their food with gusto as they conversed with their teammates. The members of team RWBY and JNPR were amongst those carefree students that joked and argued while eating their food.

Nora was rambling on about her idea of adopting a Beowolf pup as a pet, while Ren was stealthily adding fruits on her plate of pancakes. Jaune was trying to reason with the energetic Valkyrie, and Pyrrha was looking at her teammates fondly, casting quick glances at her partner when she thought that nobody was looking at her.

Blake's face was hidden behind a book, the secret cat faunus would occasionally lean down to lap milk from her glass, completely immersed in the world of her romance novel. Weiss was lecturing Yang about using up all of the hot water in the shower that morning, whereas Yang blatantly ignored the Schnee heiress, scanning the cafeteria for cute boys while spreading marmalade on a slice of bread.

It was only after Jaune had managed to persuade Nora to abandon her idea of taming a creature of Grimm that the blond knight noticed how silent the little reaper of team RWBY was.

"Hey Ruby, is something bothering you?" He asked tentatively after examining her serious expression. The blond team leader had never witnessed Ruby without a smile or a cute pout on her face. Jaune wouldn't have thought it possible for her to be able to make such a troubled expression. The way that the little reaper was staring vacantly at the table, her face scrunched up in thought and her mouth set in a strict line was kind of unnerving to say the least. An unhappy Ruby was an unnerving Ruby.

The Arc knight's sudden question drew Yang's gaze that zoomed in on her sister, worry flashing behind her lilac orbs.

"Jaune..." Ruby exhaled, uncertainty audible in her voice, yet determination coloring her tone a short moment later, "Where do babies come from?" the little reaper inquired, her silver gaze lifting from the table to stare fixedly at her stuttering friend.

Weiss chocked while savoring her omelet, producing an unladylike sound that would make Winter glare at her in disgust and immense disappointment. Etiquette was for a Schnee what common sense was to the average non-huntress, after all. A means of survival in the perilous world of business.

Pyrrha blushed, pausing in her task of cutting Jaune's food to smaller portions. Blake licked her milk mustache, too much of an introvert and absorbed in her book to care about the unfolding drama that was taking place in front of her.

Ren was sleeping with his eyes open, his breathing was quiet, slow, his face was serene. The black-haired boy was recharging its batteries for another long day filled with Nora's crazy antics. Ren was resting peacefully, none the wiser to the energetic Valkyrie's hand reaching for his cup of coffee.

Yang... Yang looked lost, the spark of life had drained from her wide eyes, her Aura plunging in the deep reds at a moment's notice. Her slice of bread fell from her numb fingers, drifting downwards as if in slow motion, slamming against the table with a deafening sound and a splash of strawberry jam.

"W-what?" Jaune mumbled in the ensuing silence that followed Ruby's question.

"Where do babies come from?" the younger team leader repeated slowly, like when her father was explaining something to Uncle Qrow or talked politics with Zwei.

Jaune spared a quick glance at the stony-faced red-eyed Y of team RWBY and then coughed loudly to cover his manly squeal. He frantically looked at the people around him, silently begging his friends for help.

None of them answered his call however. Most of the Arc knight's friends were busy performing their own tasks. Ren was trying to wrestle a cup of lukewarm coffee out of Nora's hands, with no success. Pyrrha was still cutting his food into sizeable bites and Weiss was Spectling something on her Scroll under the table, her normally pale face set in a crimson scowl.

"B-babies?" Jaune stuttered brokenly, ignoring Pyrrha's dreamy sigh from next to him, "Where did that come from Ruby?" the young knight stalled, "Why would you want to know that?" He shout-croaked, keeping his eyes pinned on the red reaper and refusing to make eye contact with her overprotective sister that glared daggers at him.

"Well, I asked Uncle Qrow once and he told me that they come from frat parties. Dad said that he was wrong and a moron and that he was going to kill him, but didn't explain to me where babies actually do come from before chasing after Uncle Qrow outside. Yang locked herself in her room when I asked her, crying for hours upon hours. She kept whimpering about failing to protect her Rubaby for a second time and refusing to share my cuteness with the world or something. Zwei gave me a weird look and brought me an eggplant from the fridge. Although, I don't know why, since I hate eggplants. They are gross and smell weird, yuck."

Blake snorted behind her book, but didn't comment otherwise. Yang was alternating between freaking out, borderline fainting and staring down at Jaune with the seething expression that Roman Torchwick adopted when doing his taxes.

"Renny says that children are brought to the homes of married couples by the rare invisible sloths that live in the heart of the Grimmlands," Said Nora confidently, smiling smugly at team RWBY for knowing the answer, "They are in fact so sneaky that nobody realizes that they were there until the parents hear the cries of the newborns coming out from the mailbox!" Nora exclaimed. Ruby seemed unconvinced but took out a notepad from the pocket of her uniform to write down the answer for future reference. The world of Remnant was full of mysteries that Ruby longed to uncover and weapons she yearned to touch.

"Please," Weiss waved her hand at the ginger-haired girl, condescendingly, "Everyone knows that babies come from Dust crystals. Wealthy suitors present their most expensive crystals to their future spouses and when those spouses agree to marry their grooms, they sign a premarital agreement, merge their companies, reduce the cost of human labor, introduce profitable products to the public and raise the price of their stocks. The two lovers are then allowed to hold hands and share bank accounts. That's when the baby pops out of the Dust crystal at tea time. It is just common sense, really, Nora. Didn't your parents give you 'the talk?' it was excruciatingly awkward for me." The Schnee heiress huffed while crossing her arms in front of her chest.

Ren gazed at her intently with pity and sadness visible in his pink orbs. Jaune was writing down the wooing process that the heiress had revealed to them on his so-called Weiss Journal. Meanwhile, Pyrrha was cutting the last morsels of food on her partner's plate along with the porcelain disk for some reason. The hands of the champion were trembling and her mood had taken a turn for the worse. _Maybe Pyrrha was also troubled by the fact that she didn't own a company_, Jaune inwardly mused.

"I can't help but think that something is wrong with your outlook on marriage, Weisscream." Yang sighed softly, finally coming out of her rage mode when such family friendly explanations were uttered to satiate her little sister's curiosity spike without tainting her innocence with filthy imagery and lewd notions. Ruby was thirty years too young to learn about kissing and adult things, before Yang had to fend off possible boyfriends with her shotgun-gauntlets. Tai would help her when that time came, he was a reliable father.

"Babies come from sloths! Renny would never lie to me!" Frowned the aggravated Valkyrie, completely forgetting about the missing cup of coffee that her partner had stolen from her.

"Perhaps Ren didn't lie to you," Jaune rushed to defuse the situation, "Maybe babies arrive at Remnant through various means, one of them being sloth mailmen." the Arc knight smiled reassuringly. Ruby's head was going back and forth following the flow of the conversation at this point, her pen hovering aimlessly above her notepad. Ruby didn't know if the existence of special Dust crystals was more plausible than Nora's story.

"No! Babies come out from Dust crystals," The Schnee heiress insisted, refusing to succumb to the superstitions of the uncouth masses. "There are no other ways to summon a child. I have seen my sister call out Beowolves and crystallized Grimm from her Dust canisters. She can't summon human babies yet because she hasn't completed her marriage obligations, but she is getting there. I know it."

Weiss was still in the middle of her tirade when Yang brought her into a bone-crushing hug. "You are so precious Ice Queen. It would be a gross Weiss of your adorableness not to keep you." cooed the blonde brawler, her big sister instincts kicking in. The bratty heiress was a grumpier Ruby that used long words, Yang abruptly realized.

"Unhand me at once you uncultured brute!" Shouted Weiss, struggling to get out of Yang's bear hug, while the older girl cooed happily rubbing her cheek against the blushing face of the heiress. Ruby silently observed the interaction cautiously, ready to bail out and abandon her partner at the first sign of Yang spotting her.

"What do you think, Blake?" Jaune hummed thoughtfully, including the preoccupied cat faunus in the conversation. Nora turned on her seat to face the former White Fang member. Even Weiss ceased her struggling to hear the brooding bookworm's opinion.

Jaune inwardly cheered at his timely intervention to what would have no doubt evolved into another epic food fight if he hadn't used Blake as a distraction to stop Weiss and Nora from bumping heads. On the other hand, Blake read books all the time so she was probably the wisest person in the cafeteria. If anyone would know the secrets of life that would be the secret cat faunus, Jaune concluded in his mind.

"What?" Blake asked as she peeled her eyes off the pages of her romance novel. The White Fang defector raised an eyebrow at the expectant looks that both teams were giving her.

"Where do you think that babies come from?" Jaune inquired, the remaining members of teams RWBY and JNPR leaning forward in anticipation. Blake for her part was staring at Jaune as if she was trying to figure out if he had hit his head in Miss Goodwitch's class.

The staring match continued until Jaune had started fidgeting, Blake found it kind of cute in a dorky kind of way. The secret cat faunus could have sworn that she heard Pyrrha growl from across the table, the hair on the back of her neck rose, a feeling of dread looming over her. _Don't look at Jaune,_ her instincts screamed at her. _Don't look at Jaune, he belongs to the Alpha. Just answer the question, answer the question and walk away. Everything is going to be okay if you are honest._

A second wave of bloodlust washed over Blake as she was about to open her mouth. If Pyrrha was a starving wolf ready to tear out her jugular, Yang looked like an enraged mama bear hell-bent on protecting her cab at all costs. _Answer truthfully and you are dead meat,_ those remorseless red orbs seemed to convey to her. The blonde huntress-in-training was crushing Weiss against her chest, grinding the Schnee's bones to dust as she glared at her partner with those murderous crimson lakes of hers. Weiss was taping out, her face an alarming shade of purple, yet Yang's attention was solely focused on the cat faunus.

**_*Thump* *Thump*_** Blake's accelerating heartbeat pulsed in her chest.

The walls of the cafeteria were stretching inside her field of vision, forming an inescapable concrete cage, clothed beasts were gathered around her. Blake was locked in there with Beacon's main attractions, the carnivores that ruled the pack of the first years. The clock on the wall ticked away Blake's last moments on Remnant, the lazy jolts of its thin black hand were booming like gunshots in her feline ears, a bead of sweat was forming above Blake's brow. Weiss had stopped struggling. The cat faunus didn't know if she was still breathing.

"I don't know where babies come from," The anxious White Fang defector murmured at last, preparing to make a run for it if either Pyrrha or Yang took offense at her lying to them, "I've never thought about it until now, I haven't the slightest idea. I would go with whatever Yang said. If she hasn't replied to you yet, you should talk to her about it. I am sure you will find her answer satisfactory." Blake blurted in one long breath, garnering looks of concern from three members of team JNPR and the petite reaper.

"Blake, are you okay? You look kinda sick." Ruby said slowly, her face betraying her worry. The cat faunus hastily shook her head, refusing to make eye contact with her team leader or the two prowling predators that were observing her.

"I'm fine I just remembered that I haven't finished my homework for Doctor Oobelock's class. I think I will just go do that now." Blake maintained a neutral expression, standing up from her seat. The cat faunus rose to her feet slowly, avoiding sudden movements to dissuade Yang and Pyrrha from lunging at her.

"You are welcome to join me," Blake added with what she hoped looked like a polite smile. The cat faunus wasn't surprised by her friends' reactions when they recoiled at the mere mention of the word 'homework'.

Ruby shot her an apologetic glance, shook her head and then started to munch on a cookie. Yang started whistling, finally dropping the unconscious Schnee heiress to file her nails with a butter knife. She looked ridiculous, but Blake refrained from voicing her opinion.

Nora had started braiding Ren's hair, the gunslinger of team JNPR proceeding to quietly peel off the skin of his apple as if that was normal. Ren would love to use the excuse of studying to take a break from babysitting his partner, but he was unwilling to risk leaving the Valkyrie's side and let her unsupervised for more than a couple of minutes.

Jaune was about to dig into his breakfast but stopped to blink in confusion at the cut plate that Pyrrha had pushed back towards him. The redheaded champion appeared sheepish for her part, clearing her throat upon noticing her mistake and twirling a long lock of scarlet hair around her finger to hide her blushing face behind her hand.

And thus, Blake Belladonna escaped the cafeteria with her life intact, humbled by the strength of her pack mates and motivated to climb higher in the hierarchy of her team. The young faunus was determined to reach her true potential in the foreseeable future. There would be no more hiding, she promised herself.

The huntress-in-training grasped the black ribbon that concealed her faunus ears as she entered a wide corridor that led outside. In one swift motion the bow came undone, the soft fabric drifting down to the floor. Blake continued heading down the corridor, leaving it behind along with her fears.

Blake walked in silence with her head held high, her shadow stretching behind her, shaped like the symbol of the old White Fang. The head of a majestic beast leaning down to shelter those in need, a noble creature that protected everyone in its territory. That was what Blake was aspiring to be. She would reform the terrorist organization and make the White Fang great again. She would usher in a new age of equality and prosperity not just for Faunuskind, but for all of Remnant!

The scene froze at that particular frame with Blake walking into the light, the blazer of her school uniform rustling in the non-existent wind, her black hair being swept back, her amber eyes shining with conviction, her shadow stretching out of view. Her trusty smut book clenched in her hand. Blake was going to become the Alpha of Alphas.

_The End_

* * *

**_Rolling Credits. Outro Song: Kings by Tribe Society_**

Starring:

Ruby Rose as herself

Weiss Schnee as an entitled rich brat

Blake Beladona as an emo cat ninja

Yang Xiao Long as herself

Jaune Arc as a dense young man

Nora Valkyrie as a manic sugar addict

Pyrrha Nikos as an awkward celebrity

Lie Ren as Remnant's Dalai Lama

Makeup and costumes: Coco Adel

Cinematography: Velvet Scarlatina

* * *

**Extra movie scene:**

The room was dark save for the weak flickering light of a few candles, the dancing flames of which illuminated an underground stone room decorated by moldy tapestries and ancient scriptures that were carved into the stone. Dusty books and musty documents rolled into withered scrolls occupied the majority of the rat-eaten desk. The intimidating man behind it was reading a leather-bound book that was written in an obscure language that only a select few could still decipher in the world of Remnant.

Adam sighed, pushing the book aside when he heard the hooded White Fang cultist approach his desk. The crafty fox faunus knelt in front of him, lowering his head in a sign of respect.

"There was a disturbance in the pack," warned the knelt terrorist, "The Alpha has awakened."

Adam hummed in acknowledgement. The cultist bowed his head lower, before scurrying out of the dimly lit chamber to attend their people, leaving the red swordsman alone to contemplate the importance of the news he had just learned.

Adam stepped away from his office, approaching a damaged tapestry that dated back to the Great Wars when Remnant was young and its kingdoms had just been established. The masked terrorist run a gloved hand across the faded tapestry that depicted a giant nine-tailed cat fighting with what appeared to be a humongous tuna Grimm the size of a mountain.

"So it has began," Adam whispered softly in the dark, the camera zooming in on the shadowed face of the monstrous cat colossus and her piercing eyes that had been painted in a familiar shade of amber.

"Blakezilla..." Adam uttered in reverence. The candlelight dancing across the dark features of the great titan in the tapestry.


End file.
